2023, where have you slipped away? Seasons change, and time marches forward. Autumn has turned to winter, meaning chilly mornings and evenings even where I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. 2024 is right around the corner. I catch myself thinking that I am nearing three years since my cancer diagnosis - it’s just three months away. I have ‘graduated’ from MRIs and visits to my neuro-oncologist every three months to every four months. It may not sound like it, but that’s a pretty big deal!
My active treatment for my brain tumor ended in summer 2022, and I’m already starting to forget the names of some of the many medications that I used to take. You don’t use the word ‘ondonsetron’ often, unless you’re in the middle of chemotherapy. And though I used it for nearly a year and a half, I found myself having trouble recalling it the other day. Does it matter? For me, it’s a marker that (at least for the time being), I’ve moved from identifying as a cancer patient to a survivor. The ‘survivor’ label isn’t one that I embraced easily in 2021 or 2022. It was too early. The label didn’t feel authentic to me. I felt more like ‘I’m just getting by’ than anything else. Even a year ago, I weighed a grand 122 pounds due to the effects of all of my treatments - I couldn’t keep weight on if I tried. I’m now back to my regular weight. It took over a year for my body to adjust.
The only real physical effect I still feel from cancer treatments is fatigue. It’s still real, but it’s manageable. I try to mitigate the effects of fatigue by moving often. Whether it’s a short walk here or there throughout the day, or a yoga practice for even 10-15 minutes, movement helps. I also feel better when I remember to drink lots of water throughout the day.
Seasons change, and with that, the ways we spend our time and focus our energy. I enjoy being involved in the work of organizations that support individuals with cancer and their families. It’s one of my new callings, and my family has embraced this as well. I also am grateful to share what I’ve learned about cancer - not that I ever wish I needed to share these lessons. However, I’m glad when I can share practical tips and resources with others, whether they’re pre-surgery, whether it’s a loved one affected by cancer, or whether it’s an individual in the recovery process.
We’re entering winter, often considered in nature a time to rest and conserve energy. I’m not sure what season of my life I’m in on cancer’s schedule. Cancer has its own schedule, beyond control. That said, I hope that medical advances will make recurrence someday manageable. For now, all things considered, I’m in a good season. Despite the turmoil in the world, and the disease I live with, I find something to be grateful for, each day. Family. Dear friends. Sunset walks. A feisty but loving cat. Yoga. Nature’s wonders. Moving into winter, and a new year, may we all find even a little bit of joy, a spark of wonder, and a space for peace in every day.
December 13, 2023
Photo: autumn leaves on the SF Bay Trail, Marina Bay, Richmond, California
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